Am I loved?

Why do people feel lonely? Why do people feel like no one loves them? In my opinion, this is always about your own self esteem. If it’s bad, you often feel like you’re just a burden to others and no one really likes you. You feel like no one enjoys being around you. Even if you feel like that, that is not a fact and it is not true. The problem with our minds is that the more we think about something, the more it becomes a fact for us and it is very hard to get out of these thoughts after they have become facts for you.

I often feel that way. I feel like people are idiots for being with me. Why would any person want someone like me in their life? That is one question that I constantly repeat in my mind. No matter how many times someone says that they love me and that there’s nothing wrong with me as a person, I feel that way. Just because I personally hate myself. That’s the only problem. I believe if someone says they love me. I believe it, but I don’t understand it. I am currently getting help with this and I am working on it so that one day I could understand.

In my opinion, it is a fact that every single person is loved by someone. No matter how lonely you feel, there is always someone. A parent, a sibling, a friend, anyone. I think we often just have the wrong image about love in our mind. We feel like it’s bigger than it actually is. By this I mean that we often expect more by someone who loves us. We expect something that is not happening, we just expect too much. A lot of people love us but we don’t realize it because we just have this certain image of it and we don’t realize that love can be also different.

I know that I am loved. By my parents, my sister, my friends, my best friend, my dance teacher, my girlfriend… Still, I am trying to make myself think that no one loves me because I don’t feel like I deserve it. That’s just stupid, don’t do that to yourself. Let the people love you, there is a reason why they do. Many reasons. You are perfect the way you are and YOU ARE LOVED.

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What is my goal?

Everyone has dreams and goals in life, some are probably unrealistic and some are very achievable. It’s very important to hold on to these because dreams and goals are strongly controlling your actions. If you want something really bad, you work really hard to get it, right?

My biggest goal in life is to accept myself and be happy. Right now it might seem very unrealistic but it is not something you can not achieve. It takes a lot of time and A LOT of work with yourself. It is very difficult because no matter how much compliments I get, I don’t see those things in me myself. I hate myself, I hate the way I look, the way I act and the way I think. The worst is that I blame myself for everything. I feel like I’m responsible for also other people’s well-being and when I can’t help someone I blame myself for it and I feel bad. My non-existent self confidence is probably the biggest thing causing my depression.

I am getting help. My psychologist is helping me by telling me what I should do to slowly start getting better. For example, I’m writing down whenever I feel something bad about myself, like specially bad. The point is that I recognize the problems so that in time I can start working on them. It’s not a fact if you say something good about me, it’s not a fact if I say something bad about myself, but my feelings for myself are so strong that they do feel like facts. I’m constantly thinking about how I can become a better person. That is the most depressing thing in my head.

I will never be completely happy before I’m happy with myself and that’s why my depression is going on for a long time. However, I am trying my best to help myself but it’s hard and it takes time. My will power is very strong so I believe that one day I will accept and love myself and eventually be happy.

What is your number one goal in life?

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Would I restart my life?

If I could restart my life, not being able to go back, would I do it? Definitely not. There have been and are still lots of times when I just question reasons of even being alive but when I think about this question here, I would not want to restart. The reason is not that I wouldn’t want to go through all this again (I would probably make the same mistakes again anyway), the reason is that I don’t want to lose everything that I have achieved.

I have problems and issues with my mental health due to earlier experiences in my life but that’s only one part of my life. I have people in my life that I wouldn’t give up just to try to have a better life. For me, the pain is worth having the other good things in my life. Probably my life would just be worse if I restarted it. I would probably not be in this situation meaning that I wouldn’t have the experiences and people that I have now.

For me, making mistakes is a strength, not a weakness. If you always make good decisions and manage to do everything you want, how would you ever learn the most important lessons of life? What if one day you made a big mistake? You wouldn’t be able to handle it. It would kind of destroy you and your life because you don’t know how to fail. It is important to make mistakes, even big ones, to be able to learn and get stronger. I used to be weak but after years of getting hurt because of my mistakes I have become so much stronger. It requires bigger things for me to get hurt.

Often people want to go back in time to fix their mistakes and undo them but I wouldn’t. I have suffered from them but I wouldn’t be this person I am now without them. I am working hard on getting myself better and creating the life I have dreamed of. I know that one day I will succeed, after hundreds of mistakes before that.

Would you restart your life if you could?

Is life worth living?

This is a very important post and I hope that at least one person would get at least something out of this and feel better, even just a little bit. A while ago I would have said that my life is not worth living. I wanted to die. My life just wasn’t anything anymore and there was nothing that could change that. Well, I was wrong and I realized some very important things and they are crucial for everyone to know and I want to share this with as many people as I can.

I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for years. I still do, I take meds and I see a nurse every two weeks. Getting help has been a HUGE step forward for me. I used to be very sceptic about seeing a psychiatrist or getting professional help overall because I thought that there is no way that some completely stranger could help me. Again, I was wrong. Step by step I am learning to deal with some of my problems and I’m learning how to slowly start changing them.

The most important thing for everyone to know is that YOU are the one that has the power over your life. No one is going to heal you, no one is going to make your life good except for you. There are people and things that help you but you are always the one that makes the actual change. If you are unhappy, start thinking about the problem(s). What is the thing that makes you unhappy? The key to the recovery is to recognize the problems. That’s the only way that you can become happy. When you know your problems, you can start thinking about the ways to change them. It takes a lot of time so don’t expect the change directly. It takes a lot of work and time but in the end it’s worth it.

You might feel like there’s nothing for you. You might feel like there is no one for you. You might feel like your life doesn’t have a meaning but you’re wrong. No one has a perfect life. Everyone has to go through something in their lives but the difficulties make you strong. All the shit that you go through in your life make you strong and unbreakable. You might feel like the weight of the whole world is on your shoulders and you’re too weak to carry it, but you’re not. You’re so much stronger than you think and you can do anything. We only have one life. Make it good, make it worth living. You have the power to do it. You are going to be happy one day and you are going to realize that the experiences you have had have made you strong and powerful. No matter how hard your life is right now, don’t give up. Keep going, step by step, and everything is going to be alright. That’s a promise.

Life Update

Hey you guys, I haven’t been posting here for a really long time so instead of talking about a certain topic I’m just gonna do a life update to let you know what’s going on.

So, the biggest reason for that I haven’t been writing is that my mental health got even worse and I have really been out of energy and strength to do anything. The reason it got worse is that two months ago, my girlfriend just left from the internet and still hasn’t come back. We were having a normal conversation and we had no problems together and then suddenly she just never came back. I got really worried and broken because I had absolutely no idea what happened, maybe she didn’t want me anymore, maybe she got hurt, maybe she’s not even alive? I didn’t know and that made me so miserable I couldn’t live normally. I wasn’t able to eat, I wasn’t able to sleep, I wasn’t able to do anything. I felt physically sick all the time and she was in my mind all the time.

She still is though, I’m not saying that this thing is over now and things are good but yesterday I found out something that makes everything a lot better if it’s true. According to that she is okay but she has to deal with simply everything on her own. I’m still really broken that she never told me what was going on and just left me thinking that she’s dead or something. I’m very happy to know that she’s okay and now I’m just hoping for her to come back to me. So I guess I could say that I’m a little bit better now, but well not exactly. It’s hard to explain.

Also, I was in Spain for a week and I just didn’t want to write anything then because I wanted to try to relax as much as possible. That was really hard though because I was thinking about my girlfriend all the time and I couldn’t get any peace in my mind. I did love Spain and it was really warm and I enjoyed it but I couldn’t get a real vacation because I simply couldn’t just drop everything off my mind for that time. Not her.

I’m really hoping that she comes back soon so that I could stop worrying and thinking about all the bad things that have to do with her and our relationship. I’m going to try to start writing again once a week because I don’t really have more time. Thank you guys for supporting and helping me, it means a lot.

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Where am I happy?

My life is a mess and I usually feel bad wherever I go and whatever I do. However, there is a place where I’m usually happy. That place is my dance place.

I have danced in this specific place for 13 years so it has become a very important place for me. I dance there many days and many hours a week so it feels like another home for me.

What I specially love about this place is that we don’t take it so seriously. Everyone gets to perform with their group no matter how good or “bad” they are. There is no competition between any of us and everyone gets along with each other. We’re all a big family there and no one gets left behind.

Also, my teacher is like another mom to me. I trust her 100% and I always talk to her about my problems and she always supports me no matter what. We are very close friends and I help her in many different things so I spend a lot of time with her also outside the lessons. Having her there makes me feel comfortable and happy. Of course I sometimes have bad days too but generally I’m always happy there.

What’s your happy place?

Do I miss the old me?

Everyone changes by time, obviously. We grow, physically a lot and mentally even more. We never stop growing. We learn new things and we face new experiences all our life. So do I miss my past self or am I happy with myself now? I’d say neither.

I miss some things of me in the past. Most importantly, I miss being happy. I miss the time everything was alright. No one wants to experience these things but on the other hand, they have raised me as a person a lot. I’m more brave and way stronger. I’m not scared of standing up for myself anymore. Before I would let others control me but not anymore. There are some physical things I miss too but that’s not important, I can achieve them again.

I am definitely not happy with myself. My self-esteem doesn’t really even exist. Still, I am glad about my mental growth. There’s still a long way to go and life will always give hard times but I have learnt so much about life and myself and I wouldn’t change that.

Do you miss your past self?